Sunday Homily, February 3, 4th in Ordinary Time
Readings: Zephaniah 2, 3; 3, 12-13; Psalm 146; 1 Corinthians 1, 26-31; Matthew 5, 1-12.
Zephaniah: The three chapters of the little book of Zephaniah were composed some 6 centuries B.C. The theme is a common prophetic line: doom is the lot of the people because of their evil ways and eventually Yahweh will restore his people to his favor. Note that the Babylonian defeat & captivity will come in another half century or so.
Preparation for a Great Lent: 7 Secrets of Marriage
I do not know how many times I have mentioned in here that because of being married I know I am a better, more integrated, and more peaceful person, priest, and psychotherapist. As a way of making Lent different and more positive this year, I was thinking I would like to run a series of homilies on marriage. I feel like a novice in this enterprise and like to tap the wisdom of some of you couples who have 30, 40, 50, and 60 years of marriage, like we witnessed last cinco de mayo when we had our annual anniversary party at Fairview Farm.
However, in doing some reading on this subject, as well as considering my own experience married and likewise as a marriage counselor, I have put together Seven Secrets of Marriage. We may run past Lent, but it really does not matter.
Today’s Secret is: Divorce? Never! Murder? Lots!
The first part of this is serious. The second, play. Marriage is entered into with the determination that it is forever. I know lots of couple who started out with this determination, but did not carry through because the commitment wavered. Commitment to make it work, which involves communication and murder, lots of it.
Murder is what I want to do when I don’t get my way or get hurt. The temptation is to go passive aggressive or just plain aggressive. What about to say instead, "I want to murder you." I say this before I get too angry & too hurt. It is a joke & used as a signal to let the other person know I have a problem. It builds and is built on an atmosphere of play.
Any reason for divorce? Yes. The three A’s: abuse, addiction, adultery. A comment about each one because they are seldom black-white.
There are different shades of abuse, for example, verbal and physical. Physical abuse is a blow or slap & is never tolerated. One blow, out of there. One blow always leads to others. Once started and the poison is planted. The temptation: this was a one time event because of stress. The rule is clear: one blow is one too many. Get out, get help. Verbal abuse is tougher to deal with because it can range from cynical put down jokes to screams and temper tantrums. It kills relationship & friendship. When the yelling is accompanied by breaking things. Watch out. Dangerous.
Addictions, too, are hard to determine. First of all, almost all addicts deny they are addicts. Secondly, what are the deadly addictions? Alcohol and drug addiction are considered deadly. However, what if my spouse only gets drunk or high on week ends? Is one or two bottles of wine, or a six pack alcoholism? What about addictions like work, or smoking, or TV, or exercise? One thing for sure: treated & dealt with early reduces later family dysfunction.
Adultery is often considered a black-white issue. It happens, I’m gone. Healthy. What happens when the person gets into recovery, regrets and reforms? And wants the marriage to be reestablished? How does forgiveness and acceptance figure in here?
Of the three A’s, physical abuse is the most toxic and the easiest to respond to. Out. I have worked with couples who have dealt with the other forms of the A’s and because of their determination to avoid divorce, they have gotten into recovery and lived healthy lives. They might even have gotten to a point where they could play at murdering each other.
How is you marriage going?
AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-03.mp3

