Author: Rosemary

Readings: Exodus 17, 3-7; Psalm 95; Romans 5, 1-8; John 4, 5-42

Exodus: After two weeks in the first book of the Bible, today we move to the second. The book basically tells the heroic struggle of Moses to get the Hebrew people out of Egypt, where they had gone because of the drought in their land some decades or centuries before.  Moses is considered the author.

Today’s reading makes an enormous jump from the story in Genesis about Abraham’s call to an episode after the exodus where the people are angry with Moses for taking them out of Egypt into the drought of the desert.  See how Yahweh saves the people and Moses.

Whatt??  You Want a Date??!!

Decades ago when my younger sister Kathey & I were little kids, we used to love Saturday nights.  On those nights we had fun harassing poor young baby sitters.  Or, later as we grew older, we had fun causing mischief by ourselves.  Because every Saturday night our parents went out to have fun.

This is one of my most favorite memories & stories that I have mentioned to people getting married for the past 30 plus years I’ve been doing weddings.  I remember a time when I must have been around second or third grade.  The second world war was over and my dad was probably going bankrupt.  He had worked before the war in paper products.  When the war broke out and paper was scarce he opened a coffee & donut shop on Ervay St. in down town Dallas.  The Mercantile Bank was being built and he was doing well.  When the bank finally opened his business went in the hole because all the workmen moved elsewhere. 

I had started school at University Park Elementary, then moved to Christ the King when they built a school.  I remember being anxious that I was going to have to return to University Park, because we could not afford the Catholic school.  I actually never did return.

All during this time I can remember my folks going out on Saturday nights.  They had a lot of friends, of all sorts of religions, something odd for those days, thinking back on it.  Occasionally the group would come to our house those Saturdays and I enjoyed that just as much.  The people were accepting and fun to hang around. 

I think this was part of what kept my parents going.  They had fun and they had fun at least once a week.  I often tell married couple, "You have fun once a week, and you won’t have to end up in Stack’s therapy office." 

One of the fun things my parent’s loved, I heard mentioned yesterday morning on The People’s Pharmacy, 6:00 A.M., Saturday (note credit).  A doctor describing how to live a long & healthy life suggested dancing as an excellent form of exercise.  My mom & dad, especially my dad, loved to dance.  I wish I could see how they did swing dancing, which was popular during their time.

I often ask couples who come to my office when was the last time they had fun.  They look at me like I am loco.  This is Dallas.  People work and work.  There is no time for fun.  Fun will come when we retire.  In Dallas people lose their health to make money, then lose their money to restore their health.

Consequently, the fourth suggestion for having a great marriage is to have a weekly date.  Get some friends together, go out, go dancing.  Date!  Once a week!  Good times, bad times.

When was your last date, the next?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-24.mp3

Readings: Genesis 12, 1-4; Psalm 33; 2 Timothy 1, 8-10; Matthew 17, 1-9.

Genesis: Like last week we have a selection from Genesis.  I mentioned that 5 main characters make up the book, Adam & Eve (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob.  Last week we looked at Adam & Eve & how the author thought bad might have entered the world.

Today we look at how the Jewish people thought their nation came into existence.  Abraham is like George Washington.  He is seen as divinely appointed, just as the people thought they were divinely appointed.  Remember, these events took place ca. 1500 B.C.

Unpack Your Backpack

The last two weeks we talked about two secrets to making a marriage relationship successful.  The first secret was Never Divorce, Murder Often, meaning divorce is a non-negociable, while playful murder is healthy.  Divorce is considered only when the three "A’s" enter: abuse, addiction, adultery.

Last week we said that there are No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments."  Had any perfect moments this week?  The transfiguration talked about in today’s gospel was a perfect moment.  I would consider the two as synonymous.  Perfect moments are transfigurations.

Today’s secret: Unpack Your Backpack.

What does this mean? 

First, put all your junk out on the ground.  No hidden deals, nothing kept hidden in the backpack.  This junk includes embarrassments, longings, and fears.  Those fears of being rejected, of being stupid and ugly, of heights, of lightning, anything. 

One thing I don’t encourage people to talk about: previous relatiionships.  My idea is that these relationships are no longer lying around in the backpack.  They were dumped out months or years earlier and only create tension if they are brought out and shared with the person I love now. Nothing is accomplished by talking about previous relationships.  In fact, a certain amount of uncertainty can creep in, especially if the person listening is even slightly insecure.

Secondly, the hidden package in the backpack.  What is it?  My defenses.  What does it mean. Disarm.  Lay down thy defenses.  Frustrations and annoyances creep into a relationship.  Not dealt with they become sore spots.  I get hurt, get offensive, get hurt again, then get more defensive.  I become crabby & irritable or passive aggressive.  Passive aggressive means I am really mad, aggressively riled up, but show it by not talking.  This can go on for hours, sometimes days.  I can get into this & Rosemary calls me on it.  Which is a gift.

Occasionally when talking with a couple I find that each one is blaming the other.  Then one will say, "on that occasion, yes, I was passive aggressive."  Or, "Yes, I wanted to hurt you."  When I hear this, I cheer.  The person has just laid down arms. The person has admitted, confessed, let it out of the backpack.  Then a new relationship can begin.

Thirdly, what about frustrations and irritations that creep into the backpack, like I just talked about and that lead to defensive positions?  Don’t bury them in the backpack.  How do I get a place where I can disarm?  Three steps.

• Talk about what is frustrating me or irritating me.  A Behavior?  Driving, eating, neatness, responsibility for house chores, and so on.  Use "I" statements as much as possible instead of "You, you, you" statements that blame.  "I’m uncomfortable when…"  This has to be done not in the heat of the irritation, but later when I am peaceful and the setting is peaceful.
• Then I can make a request for a change.  "Could we talk about driving?"  "I feel scared when…"
• Next, acceptance. Some things may not get changed.  Then what?  Dump the relationship or be defensive all my life or accept?  I cannot expect all the behavior changes to be changed.  Thus, I got to change, if I want to have a relationship.  Acceptance of the other has to be part of a relationship, whether between spouses or friends.

As I mentioned last week this is pertinent to friendships, just as much as marriages.

With whom do I have this kind of relationship and how am I keeping my backback clean?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-17.mp3

Readings: Genesis 2, 7-9, 3, 1-7; Psalm 51; Romans 5, 12-19; Matthew 4, 1-11.

Genesis: The great book: supposedly put together by Moses some 1500 years B.C.  The title means "origin." It is the first book of the bible, the first of the five first books that make up the Pentateuch, a Greek word, or Torah, for the Jews.  It covers ca. 2000 years of history and has 5 main characters: Adam (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob.

Today’s delightful little story tries to explain in simple terms how bad came into our world.  Guess how: it is the woman’s fault.  Could a man have put this little myth-story together?  A woman?  I invite you to read the book of Genesis.  It is fascinating.  Remember that it is myth, not literal.  Like, notice how many creation stories are presented.

No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments

Last week we talked about the first of the Seven Secrets of Marriage, namely Divorce, Never, Murder, Always.  Meaning you can threaten your spouse with murder, which is play, but divorce is a non-negotiable with the exception of the three "A’s."  Remember the "A’s?"  Abuse, addiction, & adultery. 

This morning I would like to talk about this: No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments.  Four observations. 

First, from childhood I think we all come to understand that there are no perfect marriages, while at the same time romantic movies, TV, and novels snooker us into false expectation.  Like,"When I find the perfect person, I will live happily ever after…"  False.  There can be, however, healthy marriages.  To have a healthy marriage, perfect moments are needed. 

Secondly, what are perfect moments?  Being a novice, I don’t always know, but I would suggest that when I have a perfect moment I have two feelings: peace in my spirit and affection for my spouse.

Some years ago a woman who was dear to me and who has passed away very unexpectedly described to me a set of her perfect moments.  Every night she & her husband would go to bed 15 minutes early and wake up 15 minutes early in the morning.  During the 15 minutes they would cuddle.  They would talk. They would ask each other about the day they just finished or the day ahead.  Any fears, any blessings, anything touch you, how are we doing, what next, and so forth.   It was her morning & evening perfect moment.

I wanted to do the same thing when Rosemary & I got married.  But, seeing as I started a little late and my shoulders and hips don’t have the flexibility to cuddle like I wished, Rosemary & I have a stand up hug every night before climbing into bed together, which is also one of my daily perfect moments.  We hold onto each other standing there in the dark and count our blessings of the day.

We had a number of perfect moments this past Christmas in Mexico, like taking out to lunch Maria Luisa & her daughter Karina, probably the first time they have eaten in a restaurant in maybe years. 

Another: our anniversary party every Cinco de Mayo, May 3 this year.  And dancing.  When we are on, it is perfect.

A third observation: perfect moments can happen.  They can also be set up to happen.  Some need to be set up.  Like Cinco de Mayo, like dancing, like cuddling in bed or hugging.  In other words, they take planning and discussion.  They are worth it.

A final observation: you can substitute the word "friendships" for "marriages."  Perfect moments can take place with friendships just as much as with marriages.  Like marriages, they also involve planning and effort.  There are no perfect marriages and no perfect friendships.  Only perfect moments.

What & when was you last Perfect Moment?  Your next?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-10.mp3