Sunday Homily, February 17, 2008, 2nd Lent
Readings: Genesis 12, 1-4; Psalm 33; 2 Timothy 1, 8-10; Matthew 17, 1-9.
Genesis: Like last week we have a selection from Genesis. I mentioned that 5 main characters make up the book, Adam & Eve (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob. Last week we looked at Adam & Eve & how the author thought bad might have entered the world.
Today we look at how the Jewish people thought their nation came into existence. Abraham is like George Washington. He is seen as divinely appointed, just as the people thought they were divinely appointed. Remember, these events took place ca. 1500 B.C.
Unpack Your Backpack
The last two weeks we talked about two secrets to making a marriage relationship successful. The first secret was Never Divorce, Murder Often, meaning divorce is a non-negociable, while playful murder is healthy. Divorce is considered only when the three "A’s" enter: abuse, addiction, adultery.
Last week we said that there are No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments." Had any perfect moments this week? The transfiguration talked about in today’s gospel was a perfect moment. I would consider the two as synonymous. Perfect moments are transfigurations.
Today’s secret: Unpack Your Backpack.
What does this mean?
First, put all your junk out on the ground. No hidden deals, nothing kept hidden in the backpack. This junk includes embarrassments, longings, and fears. Those fears of being rejected, of being stupid and ugly, of heights, of lightning, anything.
One thing I don’t encourage people to talk about: previous relatiionships. My idea is that these relationships are no longer lying around in the backpack. They were dumped out months or years earlier and only create tension if they are brought out and shared with the person I love now. Nothing is accomplished by talking about previous relationships. In fact, a certain amount of uncertainty can creep in, especially if the person listening is even slightly insecure.
Secondly, the hidden package in the backpack. What is it? My defenses. What does it mean. Disarm. Lay down thy defenses. Frustrations and annoyances creep into a relationship. Not dealt with they become sore spots. I get hurt, get offensive, get hurt again, then get more defensive. I become crabby & irritable or passive aggressive. Passive aggressive means I am really mad, aggressively riled up, but show it by not talking. This can go on for hours, sometimes days. I can get into this & Rosemary calls me on it. Which is a gift.
Occasionally when talking with a couple I find that each one is blaming the other. Then one will say, "on that occasion, yes, I was passive aggressive." Or, "Yes, I wanted to hurt you." When I hear this, I cheer. The person has just laid down arms. The person has admitted, confessed, let it out of the backpack. Then a new relationship can begin.
Thirdly, what about frustrations and irritations that creep into the backpack, like I just talked about and that lead to defensive positions? Don’t bury them in the backpack. How do I get a place where I can disarm? Three steps.
-
Talk about what is frustrating me or irritating me. A Behavior? Driving, eating, neatness, responsibility for house chores, and so on. Use "I" statements as much as possible instead of "You, you, you" statements that blame. "I’m uncomfortable when…" This has to be done not in the heat of the irritation, but later when I am peaceful and the setting is peaceful.
-
Then I can make a request for a change. "Could we talk about driving?" "I feel scared when…"
-
Next, acceptance. Some things may not get changed. Then what? Dump the relationship or be defensive all my life or accept? I cannot expect all the behavior changes to be changed. Thus, I got to change, if I want to have a relationship. Acceptance of the other has to be part of a relationship, whether between spouses or friends.
As I mentioned last week this is pertinent to friendships, just as much as marriages.
With whom do I have this kind of relationship and how am I keeping my backback clean?
AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-17.mp3

