Homilies

Readings: Acts Acts 1, 1-11; Psalm 47; Ephesians 1, 17-23; Matthew 28, 16-20, Readings of the Ascension.

Observations on the Ascension in Acts (and in Luke’s Gospel):

• Luke wrote the 2 accounts: the Gospel of Luke & Acts
• Intended to be read as metaphor or symbol, emphasizing a) Jesus is One with God & therefore can be experienced everywhere; b) Jesus is Lord, a value not only for religious reasons but also political reasons at a time when leaders were lords.
• Reasons why it is considered symbolic: a) time is inconsistent–40 days mentioned in Acts, while the Ascension in Luke’s Gospel seems to take place at most a few days after the Resurrection; b)  the archaic view of a 3 story universe is assumed, i.e., heaven above, hell below, earth in the middle.

What Sends You Up?

There is an old 4 story convent in Venice on the north side in Cannaregio.  4 or 5 elderly nuns live there & they have a beautiful private garden behind their convent, which is just a stones throw from the large body of water separating Venice on the north from the mainland.  Also living in the convent are about 25 elderly women and one Ethiopian lady about 50 who is the guest hostess and door keeper. 

In the morning before breakfast maybe 6 of the ladies gather in the entrance area to chat among themselves and with Magda the hostess lady, and to watch the morning’s comings and goings through the main entrance.

One morning I decided I would join these delightful people to practice my Italian which the women all praised at great length.  I’m thinking, these are Venetian women.  I would love to hear their stories, ask what Venice was like during Mussolini’s time, what were their happiest memories, and so on.

So I went down, greeted everyone, and began to ask them about a booklet I had seen on the coffee table that was about the Jesuits.  I began to get looks of incomprehension and I realized I was talking jibberish to them, mixing Spanish into everything I was saying.  I was so deflated.  All this time and effort put into learning Italian and I could not even use the right word for magazine.  I was ready to quit the language.  I’ll never get it.

The next day I get up and decide I will try again.  I prepare ahead of time and take my time getting started.  The ladies were charming and complimentary as ever and all went well.  I went out of there soaring. 

A couple of days later in a taxi in Florence I had the driver reinforce my positive experience.  He not only says my Italian is good, but that I got the rythm and accent.  That compliment sent me over the moon.

What sends you up? 

We talk about the Ascension today and I would propose that ascension moments are available to all of us.  I would distinguish between passive and active moments.

For example, my moments of language success were active, in the sense that I worked to achieve them and success really sent me up. 

I can work to put together a celebration like we had last night and have an ascension moment all evening and for days afterward.  Our Sunday celebrations do that for me. 

Helping Karina and her mother in Cuernavaca.  Our decades long tree project and the joy of seeing the trees blossom in spring with new growth.  Some of the trees we planted in the 80’s I can’t believe they were small such a short time ago.  I can only imagine the high Tom got running the Boston Marathon.  Beth has been working toward her nationals swim meet yesterday in Austin.  Rob says she’s done really well. 

There are passive or vicarious moments that send me up.  Our music at Mass, watching Kovatis chase the little kids around the cafeteria, watching Maggie & Chloe play during Mass, Chloe & Hunter dancing last night.  My first cup of coffee on the back porch in the morning.  Listening to Handel or Vivaldi’s 4 Seasons.

These moments are the spice of life.  Some come as gifts, others involve effort, but are worth it. 

On this feast of the Ascension, what sends you up? 

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-05-04.mp3

Readings: Acts 8, 5-17; Psalm 66; 1 Peter 3, 15-18; John 14, 15-21.

 

Conditional or Unconditional Love?

On the west coast there is a writer named David Sheff who wrote a book about his son Nic.  The book is called Beautiful Boy.  In turn, Nic wrote a book about his own experience of growing up, a book called Tweak.

When Nic was 11 years old he got totally drunk for the first time.  During his four years in high school, he continued down this path, drinking, smoking pot, and experimenting with drugs.  On graduation Nic entered the world of methamphetamines and he plunged toward the bottom.  Tweak refers to the condition of a person on meth, totally strung out.

David tells in his book how for 2, maybe 3 years he refused to accept that his beautiful son was a drug addict.  On numerous occasions, after Nic had been gone for weeks on end, David would get Nic into a rehab program.  Nic would rehab for a month or two, come out and stay clean and sober for three or four days, then disappear into his meth world for another stretch. 

Nic got so desperate he would break into his dad’s house and into his dad’s friends’ houses to steal money or items to sell.  At a really low point he stole $8 from his little brother Jasper.  All this helped him to feel lower than dirt, but he was obsessed about his addiction.

During the first two years, David worried constantly and would welcome Nic home whenever he showed up or called for help.  Only slowly with the help of counseling, consulting, and Al Anon did he begin to believe in the tough love concept.  He told Nic he could not help him with money & bed, only get him into rehab. 

During one long clean & sober period it looked like Nic had turned a corner.  He even gave Jasper $8 and wrote him a touching apology.  Shortly after that, he disappeared again. 

I watched David mature in this book.  Though a loving father, in the beginning he was a poor parent and self indulgent.  As Nic spirals downward, David continues to love.  But he matures and his love matures.  Which brings me to a subject I’ve been hearing about & reflecting upon, conditional vs unconditional loving.  The Gospel brings up the idea.  Did David ever love Nic with unconditional love?   How would I see it?  What would be the signs?

Three comments about conditional & unconditional love:

1.  Have you ever noticed how the Bible is full of conditional love statements?  Look at today’s Gospel.  "If you love me, you will keep my commandments."  "Whoever has my commandments and observes them is the one who loves me."  Also, John 15, 10 & 14.  "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love."  "You are my friends, if you do what I command you."  Sounds very conditional and parental. 

In other places there is talk about the sheep and the goats and the unquenchable flames.  The Old Testament is one long story of a jealous Yahweh.  Many tragedies befell the Hebrews because they did not show enough honor to Yahweh.

2.  Does Jesus show us the face of an unconditionally loving God? In his words? What we hear today is pretty conditional.  What about his actions? 

What if God is an unconditionally loving God, or an unconditionally accepting God?

3.  How do I become unconditionally loving?  Do I want to?  As a parent?   Two observations:

     a.  Is unconditional love made up of unconditional acceptance?  I think so. Tough.  Is there a distinction between accepting the person and accepting the actions, e.g., addiction and abuse?  I think so.  It is how tough love comes into play.

     b.  Is unconditional acceptance of another influenced by unconditional acceptance of myself ? I think so.  David had a hard time with guilt.  He felt guilt, I think appropriately.  He was told the 3 C’s: you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.  Nonsense.  I see regularly and believe in the miracle of cure, cure of the spirit, cure of the heart.  And I can accept that I cause harm to other people.

   

In summary, I would suggest that we become more spiritually whole the more we love unconditionally.

Whom do you love unconditionally? 

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-04-27.mp3

Readings: Acts 6, 1-7; Psalm 33; 1 Peter 2, 4-9; John 14, 1-12.

Acts:  This is another example of stories from the early Christian Community.  On this occasion, the community is selecting from the community seven people, men, who will help free up the priests to do preaching.  The seven chosen are like deacons.

A Chosen Race, a Royal Priesthood

Two things happened to me in Italy that came to mind when I saw this line in Peter’s letter about being a chosen race and a royal priesthood.

First, in Rome on our last evening before departing this past Friday.  It was about 6:30.  All four of us were planning to celebrate sunset at 7:45 and the end of our trip with a glass of wine on the rooftop of our 4-5 story, 500 year old palace & convent.  A great vista point for the city.

Rosemary & I had taken a stroll and were coming home crossing the little plaza next to our convent, when a young Italian boy about 17 came up to me and in Italian asked me where the Pantheon was.  This delighted me for two reasons.

First, he must have thought I was more of a local, not an American tourist.  Ever since my time in East Africa I have always tried to blend in, not stand out as from elsewhere.  That was hard in Tanzania. Secondly, because of the first, he spoke to me in Italian. I both knew what he asked, and I knew how to respond and guide him to the Pantheon, which I half walked him to because it was fairly near.  For a last nighter, this was a gift.

The other event took place on a high point in Florence a week earlier.  Again Rosemary & I had taken a stroll in the early evening while others rested & before going out together.  I was exploring and had climbed a hill to see if I could spot a good place to see the sunset over Florence.  I had heard about this place from one of the sisters at the Florence convent we were staying in.  There were a series of steps in a switch back pattern leading up to a secondary basilica, called St. Miniato.  The steps were quite a climb, with the basilica steps going straight up.

At one point Rosemary is wandering around & I am sitting at the very top, my legs hanging over the marble balustrade.  I am looking over Florence & watching a rain storm approach from the west when I see a little man stooped with osteoporosis start to climb the steps way below me.  He has a dark overcoat on and he uses an umbrella as a cane.  He leans on the balustrade on his left.  Slowly & steadily he climbs until he reaches the top, turns right, and starts to pass near me. 

As he approaches I say in Italian, "Congratulations on climbing the steps."  I reach over and shake his sweaty little hand.  Bent over, he looks up and says, "What?"  I repeat and he asks me who I am.  After I tell him he says, "Are you Italian?"  I am complimented, but say, "No, I’m not Italian.  I am American."  "Oh, bahh," he exclaims and goes on his way.  I am slightly deflated. 

As Peter says in his letter, we are all chosen, we are all a royal priesthood.  Royal does not grab me, but priesthood does.  Sometimes we feel more chosen, more priestly, sometimes we feel more rejected and certainly not royal. 

The 17 year old boy chose me out of all the people in that plaza and asked for help.  In the priest context, I was able to help & guide him.  This experience is common to all of us.  I chose to compliment the little man in a priest context, but he rejected me.  Another common experience to all of us.  Because we are all chosen by God, we are all called to priesthood.  The challenge is to continue to congratulate, help, & guide the next person.

How are you doing this?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-04-20.mp3 

Readings: Acts 2, 42-47; Psalm 118; 1 Peter 1, 3-9; John 20, 19-31.

Acts: This book basically tells the story of the early Christian community.  Biblical scholarship considers the book idealistic in great part.  It was what they hoped the community would look like rather than what it was.

Do Not be Unbelieving, But Believe 

It dawned upon me a day or so ago that 2008 is a 50 year anniversary for me.  August 15, 1958, I entered the Jesuits at Grand Coteau, LA.  This, coupled with meeting up with David Cardenas last week, another guy who entered the Jesuits, though a few years after me, all has had me reflecting on our lives as young Jesuits before Vatican II.  Three thoughts.

First, there was a neat spirit among the 25 or so guys I entered with, as well as in the whole Jesuit identity.  There were a couple of odd clerical guys, but I was impressed with how typical my classmates were. 

Secondly, we lived a rigorous monastic life.  Silence, formal prayer times, work, study, and three recreation afternoons, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.  We wore a black cassock & cincture or we wore long sleeved shirts and long pants, even to play touch football & baseball in 100 degree heat & Gulf Coast humidity.

The two hardest physical labors I ever experienced: riding a tractor on a cold day and harvesting corn silage in August heat.  There were three silage jobs, picking up the cut corn stalks, shoving it into the grinder, or walking around inside the silo while the silage rained down on you from the hole in the roof. 

The third thing I remember which amuses and embarrasses me is the penitential practices we were expected to use, especially in Lent & Advent.  There were a variety of practices, but two stand out.  One was the scourge.  We had these little light rope whips which we used on ourselves before going to bed like on Friday nights.  Since we lived in large dorms in cubicles it was amusing, of course, to hear just before lights out at 10:00 the scourges being used. 

Secondly, we were given little wire chains with the wire ends poking out on one side.  You put that around your thigh with the ends poking in.  You put it on when you woke up and wore it until after breakfast.  I’ll tell you, it was amusing to see your buddies discomfort, all in silence. 

The rationale for the penance was based on the old philosophy of dualism: flesh bad, spirit good.  In order the keep the flesh from bringing down the spirit, discipline it, make it hurt.  Then the spirit will grow and strengthen.  What got me through was the light spirit of amusement of my classmates, the fantastic 3 hot  meals every day, and because I believed.

The overall training made me grow up quickly.  I look back now, however, am somewhat embarrassed, and ask myself how could I believe in some of those practices.  And I know.  It was believe, believe in the process, in the company, in those who have gone through this before me, and look at them, how successful they are.

Doubting Thomas, the subject of our Gospel today, is a hero of mine.  I think I would like to have been more like Thomas in those early years.  Which would have been impossible at the time, I know.  In fact, I think the training itself ultimately gave me the self-confidence and intellectual curiosity to enable me to have doubts & questions.  For example, I have doubts about the emphasis on penance, to say nothing about the philosophy behind the penance.

The danger with the "do not be unbelieving, but believe" statement is that it may be a "do not think" statement.  I become a sheep following the footsteps of whoever is in front of me with a feeling of security.  Doubts can be scary, questions confusing.  However, they are normal and healthy.  Without them I am less than healthy.  Thomas can be a model for us.  "Show me the evidence."

Like Thomas what are your doubts & questions?  And how do you feel about them?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-30.mp3

Readings: Acts 10, 34-43; Psalm 118; 1 Corinthians 3, 1-4; Luke 24, 13-35

A Resurrection Day

A few weeks ago when Cameron & Reid, Brady & Trey, our quads were still in Presbyterian, Rosemary & I went to visit them and Casey one Thursday morning.  We parked, entered the hospital, and got on the elevator with a medical aide pushing a stretcher on wheels.

As the elevator climbed to the sixth floor, Rosemary asked the guy how he was doing.  "Great," he responded, "I always try to have a great day."  We chatted a bit more and he explained that his old grandfather had told him years ago that he could choose to have a happy or a sad day and that he decided that he would choose happy.  "And it works," he added

We arrived at floor five and he exited, leaving Rosemary and me somewhat touched by two things.  First, he was comfortable enough to share his outlook and history with us on an elevator ride from floor one to five.  Secondly, he certainly presented a buoyant presence and it seemed to come from an inner choice. 

Because of my psychological training and experience I immediately find two disharmonies surfacing.  First, not everyone can just decide to be happy and get there.  Chronic or situational depression effects the ability to choose.  When we put Naomi to sleep, I could not just choose to be happy.

Secondly, we might find the "just choose happiness" phenomenon a bit Polly Anna.  In other words, superficial.  No matter what, I maintain a superficial happiness, skimming over tragedies as if they are just steps on the road to heaven.  These are the people who tell you when you have suffered a painful or tragic death that you will get over it with time or it is all God’s plan or will.  In other words, just be happy.

Despite these side thoughts, all of us here today have reasons for happiness.  We have life, at least.  The man we met on the elevator was for Rosemary and me a genuinely happy man and what he did touched us like a resurrection to new life.  What sunshine is to flowers, a smile & encouraging word are to the human spirit.

On this feast of the resurrection to new life, what about your life are you most happy?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-23.mp3

CHILDREN’S CHOIR: JESUS LOVES ME: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-23%20Jesus%20Loves%20Me.mp3

Readings: Matthew 21, 1-11, Entry into Jerusalem; Isaiah 50, 4-7, Suffering Servant Song; Psalm 22; Philippians 2, 6-11; Matthew 26, 14-27, 66, Passion.

Because this liturgy is so long, there is no homily today.  Today we celebrate two things.  First we remember Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem with the people placing palm branches before him.  This takes place as we prepare for the Mass.  Next, we read the whole Passion.  This Sunday begins Holy Week and leads up to the Resurrection next Sunday.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday are normal days. 

Holy Thursday is the day we remember Jesus’ washing the feet of his apostles and the last supper.  We have a washing of the hands ceremony, this being more germaine to our contemporary lives. 

Friday we remember the death of Jesus.

Saturday is a day of waiting, no Masses taking place until the Easter Vigil, Saturday night.  Then & Easter Sunday we celebrate the Resurrection.

Both Thursday & Friday we will meet at 7:00 P.M. at Mary Kee’s home, 2625 Millington, Plano 75093.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day on Monday.

Readings: Ezekiel 37, 12-14; Psalm 130; Romans 8, 8-11; John 11, 1-45.

Ezekiel: Again we make a big jump, from Samuel & David to the prophet Ezekiel. The time is ca. 580 B.C, the time of the defeat of the Hebrews and the Babylonian captivity.  Ezekiel is warning the people of the calamities that come and ends eventually envisioning a new Jerusalem.

How Many More Years You Got to Appreciate?

We hear it said all the time that we have around 75 years of life in us.  That means we got 75 Christmases to enjoy, 75 springs and summers, and 75 Thanksgivings.  And that is from the age of Cameron & Reid, Brady & Trey.  Now you kids who are 10 or 15 only have 65 or 60 more birthdays and Easters.  Those of you 50 have only 25 more Christmases.  I have, guess, only 7 more according to the profile. 

Marriage at 25 means 50 years of fun & companionship.  I got married at 65.  Not much time to experience the fun & companionship. 

Over the past 5 weeks I have talked about some secrets to making marriage work.

 

·       Stay away from divorce, but play,

·       don’t expect a perfect marriage, but work for perfect moments,

·       plan fun and date regularly,

·       empty out the back pack of my junk and keep communicating,

·       give with words, listening, and touch & hugs.

This final discussion is both a summary of the five previous weeks and also a focus on appreciation.  Appreciation for the person who agreed to marry me.  The temptation is to rattle off the Spanish saying, "El amor es Ciego," love is blind.  The response to the temptation is appreciation.  Appreciate the perfect moments, the companionship, and the anniversaries.  Celebrate the appreciation.

We only have a limited number of Christmases & Easters, perfect moments and anniversaries.  Let’s not blow it.  Appreciate each one.

How many more do you have to celebrate?

               

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-09.mp3 

Readings: 1 Samuel 16, 1-13; Psalm 23; Ephesians 5, 8-14; John 9, 1-41.

Samuel: Another huge jump from last week when we were in the desert with Moses after the exodus from Egypt, which itself was a big jump from the story of Abraham’s call in Genesis.  This book of Samuel is the first big book after the Pentatuch, the first 5 books of the Old Testament.  The book chronicles the shift among the Hebrews from a judge leader to a king.  The big characters: Samuel, the last great judge, Saul, the first king, and the fabulous King David.

Today’s selection tells how Samuel found and choose David to someday be The Man.

Marriage # 5: The Art of Giving

At the prospect of marriage, I was told by you can imagine whom, "Stack, you’ve had it easy all your life in the Jesuits.  You don’t know how hard marriage is and how much you will have to give up."   It was enough to scare me into bailing out.  It seemed like it was going to be all give and no get.  Now I’ve been married 3 years, that’s what it has been.

Actually, as you all know so well, it has been all gift.  Never the less, the event of giving is essential to the art of marriage.  I’m learning more about this every day.  I see at least three ways the giving takes place.  There may be more, but let me talk about words, listening, and touch.

I am surprised how easy it is to get out of the habit I was trained in as a kid and as a Jesuit to mention two simple phrases.  "Please," for one.  I can so easily simply say, "Would you do this," or "Would you get this for me?"  It seems polite to me, but it does not quite cut it.  It may be polite, but the "please" makes the difference.  It is courtesy.

Secondly, "thanks."  I am impressed in my dealing with couples how often "thanks" has fallen out of usage.  In my mind I assume Rosemary knows I am grateful.  Often it may be some small thing, like moving so I can pass by.  Temptation: walk by saying nothing.  A trap, a lack of courtesy. 

There is a third set of words that needs to be heard, therefore spoken a number of times a day.  How often do we hear of someone who has lost a loved one and regrets this was not said before parting, "I love you."  If it is not said, I don’t know it for sure.  My confidence & my security in my relationship is enriched by hearing "I love you."

Besides words playing a role in the art of marriage, the flip is true: listening.  This may be hard.  I’m reading the sports page, I’m listening to Garrison Keilor and Rosemary says something.  Curses.  I better listen up or I’ve had it.  Listening itself has verbal & non verbal parts. 

Verbal means more than hearing.  It means listeningto what is being said.  Very difficult sometimes.  Non verbal involves listening to the body language.  Some body language is obvious: a slammed door, a book thrown, silence.  Other body language is more subtle, a sadness, a distance, a reluctance to talk.  What’s up?  I notice–fill in the blank—.  If it is obvious, maybe some real listening is in order.  If it is subtle, ask an open ended question, like, "How are you doing."  Not, "You feel bad/good?"  Closed ended questions get off with an answer of yes or no.  Open ended questions involve explanation.

Finally, the art of marriage involves touch.  Hugs to start with.  I have a great hunger for hugs, as you all know.  Balm for the spirit.  Besides hugs, however, the gift of touch involves all sorts of little contacts, with hands, a finger, a foot, an elbow.  A hand on the arm.  Granted, some people don’t like this much touch.  Beware of the buddy, buddy arm around my shoulder.

Oh, there is a fourth.  Rosemary says to remind the guys, "Remember, diamonds are a girl’s best friend."  Can someone help me with this?  Who doubted I would be better off married?

How does word, listening, touch play a role in the art of your marriage (friendship)?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-02.mp3

 

Readings: Exodus 17, 3-7; Psalm 95; Romans 5, 1-8; John 4, 5-42

Exodus: After two weeks in the first book of the Bible, today we move to the second. The book basically tells the heroic struggle of Moses to get the Hebrew people out of Egypt, where they had gone because of the drought in their land some decades or centuries before.  Moses is considered the author.

Today’s reading makes an enormous jump from the story in Genesis about Abraham’s call to an episode after the exodus where the people are angry with Moses for taking them out of Egypt into the drought of the desert.  See how Yahweh saves the people and Moses.

Whatt??  You Want a Date??!!

Decades ago when my younger sister Kathey & I were little kids, we used to love Saturday nights.  On those nights we had fun harassing poor young baby sitters.  Or, later as we grew older, we had fun causing mischief by ourselves.  Because every Saturday night our parents went out to have fun.

This is one of my most favorite memories & stories that I have mentioned to people getting married for the past 30 plus years I’ve been doing weddings.  I remember a time when I must have been around second or third grade.  The second world war was over and my dad was probably going bankrupt.  He had worked before the war in paper products.  When the war broke out and paper was scarce he opened a coffee & donut shop on Ervay St. in down town Dallas.  The Mercantile Bank was being built and he was doing well.  When the bank finally opened his business went in the hole because all the workmen moved elsewhere. 

I had started school at University Park Elementary, then moved to Christ the King when they built a school.  I remember being anxious that I was going to have to return to University Park, because we could not afford the Catholic school.  I actually never did return.

All during this time I can remember my folks going out on Saturday nights.  They had a lot of friends, of all sorts of religions, something odd for those days, thinking back on it.  Occasionally the group would come to our house those Saturdays and I enjoyed that just as much.  The people were accepting and fun to hang around. 

I think this was part of what kept my parents going.  They had fun and they had fun at least once a week.  I often tell married couple, "You have fun once a week, and you won’t have to end up in Stack’s therapy office." 

One of the fun things my parent’s loved, I heard mentioned yesterday morning on The People’s Pharmacy, 6:00 A.M., Saturday (note credit).  A doctor describing how to live a long & healthy life suggested dancing as an excellent form of exercise.  My mom & dad, especially my dad, loved to dance.  I wish I could see how they did swing dancing, which was popular during their time.

I often ask couples who come to my office when was the last time they had fun.  They look at me like I am loco.  This is Dallas.  People work and work.  There is no time for fun.  Fun will come when we retire.  In Dallas people lose their health to make money, then lose their money to restore their health.

Consequently, the fourth suggestion for having a great marriage is to have a weekly date.  Get some friends together, go out, go dancing.  Date!  Once a week!  Good times, bad times.

When was your last date, the next?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-24.mp3

Readings: Genesis 12, 1-4; Psalm 33; 2 Timothy 1, 8-10; Matthew 17, 1-9.

Genesis: Like last week we have a selection from Genesis.  I mentioned that 5 main characters make up the book, Adam & Eve (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob.  Last week we looked at Adam & Eve & how the author thought bad might have entered the world.

Today we look at how the Jewish people thought their nation came into existence.  Abraham is like George Washington.  He is seen as divinely appointed, just as the people thought they were divinely appointed.  Remember, these events took place ca. 1500 B.C.

Unpack Your Backpack

The last two weeks we talked about two secrets to making a marriage relationship successful.  The first secret was Never Divorce, Murder Often, meaning divorce is a non-negociable, while playful murder is healthy.  Divorce is considered only when the three "A’s" enter: abuse, addiction, adultery.

Last week we said that there are No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments."  Had any perfect moments this week?  The transfiguration talked about in today’s gospel was a perfect moment.  I would consider the two as synonymous.  Perfect moments are transfigurations.

Today’s secret: Unpack Your Backpack.

What does this mean? 

First, put all your junk out on the ground.  No hidden deals, nothing kept hidden in the backpack.  This junk includes embarrassments, longings, and fears.  Those fears of being rejected, of being stupid and ugly, of heights, of lightning, anything. 

One thing I don’t encourage people to talk about: previous relatiionships.  My idea is that these relationships are no longer lying around in the backpack.  They were dumped out months or years earlier and only create tension if they are brought out and shared with the person I love now. Nothing is accomplished by talking about previous relationships.  In fact, a certain amount of uncertainty can creep in, especially if the person listening is even slightly insecure.

Secondly, the hidden package in the backpack.  What is it?  My defenses.  What does it mean. Disarm.  Lay down thy defenses.  Frustrations and annoyances creep into a relationship.  Not dealt with they become sore spots.  I get hurt, get offensive, get hurt again, then get more defensive.  I become crabby & irritable or passive aggressive.  Passive aggressive means I am really mad, aggressively riled up, but show it by not talking.  This can go on for hours, sometimes days.  I can get into this & Rosemary calls me on it.  Which is a gift.

Occasionally when talking with a couple I find that each one is blaming the other.  Then one will say, "on that occasion, yes, I was passive aggressive."  Or, "Yes, I wanted to hurt you."  When I hear this, I cheer.  The person has just laid down arms. The person has admitted, confessed, let it out of the backpack.  Then a new relationship can begin.

Thirdly, what about frustrations and irritations that creep into the backpack, like I just talked about and that lead to defensive positions?  Don’t bury them in the backpack.  How do I get a place where I can disarm?  Three steps.

• Talk about what is frustrating me or irritating me.  A Behavior?  Driving, eating, neatness, responsibility for house chores, and so on.  Use "I" statements as much as possible instead of "You, you, you" statements that blame.  "I’m uncomfortable when…"  This has to be done not in the heat of the irritation, but later when I am peaceful and the setting is peaceful.
• Then I can make a request for a change.  "Could we talk about driving?"  "I feel scared when…"
• Next, acceptance. Some things may not get changed.  Then what?  Dump the relationship or be defensive all my life or accept?  I cannot expect all the behavior changes to be changed.  Thus, I got to change, if I want to have a relationship.  Acceptance of the other has to be part of a relationship, whether between spouses or friends.

As I mentioned last week this is pertinent to friendships, just as much as marriages.

With whom do I have this kind of relationship and how am I keeping my backback clean?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-17.mp3