Sunday Homily, March 2, 2008, 4th Lent
Readings: 1 Samuel 16, 1-13; Psalm 23; Ephesians 5, 8-14; John 9, 1-41.
Samuel: Another huge jump from last week when we were in the desert with Moses after the exodus from Egypt, which itself was a big jump from the story of Abraham’s call in Genesis. This book of Samuel is the first big book after the Pentatuch, the first 5 books of the Old Testament. The book chronicles the shift among the Hebrews from a judge leader to a king. The big characters: Samuel, the last great judge, Saul, the first king, and the fabulous King David.
Today’s selection tells how Samuel found and choose David to someday be The Man.
Marriage # 5: The Art of Giving
At the prospect of marriage, I was told by you can imagine whom, "Stack, you’ve had it easy all your life in the Jesuits. You don’t know how hard marriage is and how much you will have to give up." It was enough to scare me into bailing out. It seemed like it was going to be all give and no get. Now I’ve been married 3 years, that’s what it has been.
Actually, as you all know so well, it has been all gift. Never the less, the event of giving is essential to the art of marriage. I’m learning more about this every day. I see at least three ways the giving takes place. There may be more, but let me talk about words, listening, and touch.
I am surprised how easy it is to get out of the habit I was trained in as a kid and as a Jesuit to mention two simple phrases. "Please," for one. I can so easily simply say, "Would you do this," or "Would you get this for me?" It seems polite to me, but it does not quite cut it. It may be polite, but the "please" makes the difference. It is courtesy.
Secondly, "thanks." I am impressed in my dealing with couples how often "thanks" has fallen out of usage. In my mind I assume Rosemary knows I am grateful. Often it may be some small thing, like moving so I can pass by. Temptation: walk by saying nothing. A trap, a lack of courtesy.
There is a third set of words that needs to be heard, therefore spoken a number of times a day. How often do we hear of someone who has lost a loved one and regrets this was not said before parting, "I love you." If it is not said, I don’t know it for sure. My confidence & my security in my relationship is enriched by hearing "I love you."
Besides words playing a role in the art of marriage, the flip is true: listening. This may be hard. I’m reading the sports page, I’m listening to Garrison Keilor and Rosemary says something. Curses. I better listen up or I’ve had it. Listening itself has verbal & non verbal parts.
Verbal means more than hearing. It means listeningto what is being said. Very difficult sometimes. Non verbal involves listening to the body language. Some body language is obvious: a slammed door, a book thrown, silence. Other body language is more subtle, a sadness, a distance, a reluctance to talk. What’s up? I notice–fill in the blank—. If it is obvious, maybe some real listening is in order. If it is subtle, ask an open ended question, like, "How are you doing." Not, "You feel bad/good?" Closed ended questions get off with an answer of yes or no. Open ended questions involve explanation.
Finally, the art of marriage involves touch. Hugs to start with. I have a great hunger for hugs, as you all know. Balm for the spirit. Besides hugs, however, the gift of touch involves all sorts of little contacts, with hands, a finger, a foot, an elbow. A hand on the arm. Granted, some people don’t like this much touch. Beware of the buddy, buddy arm around my shoulder.
Oh, there is a fourth. Rosemary says to remind the guys, "Remember, diamonds are a girl’s best friend." Can someone help me with this? Who doubted I would be better off married?
How does word, listening, touch play a role in the art of your marriage (friendship)?
AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-02.mp3