Readings: 1 Samuel 16, 1-13; Psalm 23; Ephesians 5, 8-14; John 9, 1-41.

Samuel: Another huge jump from last week when we were in the desert with Moses after the exodus from Egypt, which itself was a big jump from the story of Abraham’s call in Genesis.  This book of Samuel is the first big book after the Pentatuch, the first 5 books of the Old Testament.  The book chronicles the shift among the Hebrews from a judge leader to a king.  The big characters: Samuel, the last great judge, Saul, the first king, and the fabulous King David.

Today’s selection tells how Samuel found and choose David to someday be The Man.

Marriage # 5: The Art of Giving

At the prospect of marriage, I was told by you can imagine whom, "Stack, you’ve had it easy all your life in the Jesuits.  You don’t know how hard marriage is and how much you will have to give up."   It was enough to scare me into bailing out.  It seemed like it was going to be all give and no get.  Now I’ve been married 3 years, that’s what it has been.

Actually, as you all know so well, it has been all gift.  Never the less, the event of giving is essential to the art of marriage.  I’m learning more about this every day.  I see at least three ways the giving takes place.  There may be more, but let me talk about words, listening, and touch.

I am surprised how easy it is to get out of the habit I was trained in as a kid and as a Jesuit to mention two simple phrases.  "Please," for one.  I can so easily simply say, "Would you do this," or "Would you get this for me?"  It seems polite to me, but it does not quite cut it.  It may be polite, but the "please" makes the difference.  It is courtesy.

Secondly, "thanks."  I am impressed in my dealing with couples how often "thanks" has fallen out of usage.  In my mind I assume Rosemary knows I am grateful.  Often it may be some small thing, like moving so I can pass by.  Temptation: walk by saying nothing.  A trap, a lack of courtesy. 

There is a third set of words that needs to be heard, therefore spoken a number of times a day.  How often do we hear of someone who has lost a loved one and regrets this was not said before parting, "I love you."  If it is not said, I don’t know it for sure.  My confidence & my security in my relationship is enriched by hearing "I love you."

Besides words playing a role in the art of marriage, the flip is true: listening.  This may be hard.  I’m reading the sports page, I’m listening to Garrison Keilor and Rosemary says something.  Curses.  I better listen up or I’ve had it.  Listening itself has verbal & non verbal parts. 

Verbal means more than hearing.  It means listeningto what is being said.  Very difficult sometimes.  Non verbal involves listening to the body language.  Some body language is obvious: a slammed door, a book thrown, silence.  Other body language is more subtle, a sadness, a distance, a reluctance to talk.  What’s up?  I notice–fill in the blank—.  If it is obvious, maybe some real listening is in order.  If it is subtle, ask an open ended question, like, "How are you doing."  Not, "You feel bad/good?"  Closed ended questions get off with an answer of yes or no.  Open ended questions involve explanation.

Finally, the art of marriage involves touch.  Hugs to start with.  I have a great hunger for hugs, as you all know.  Balm for the spirit.  Besides hugs, however, the gift of touch involves all sorts of little contacts, with hands, a finger, a foot, an elbow.  A hand on the arm.  Granted, some people don’t like this much touch.  Beware of the buddy, buddy arm around my shoulder.

Oh, there is a fourth.  Rosemary says to remind the guys, "Remember, diamonds are a girl’s best friend."  Can someone help me with this?  Who doubted I would be better off married?

How does word, listening, touch play a role in the art of your marriage (friendship)?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-03-02.mp3

 

Readings: Exodus 17, 3-7; Psalm 95; Romans 5, 1-8; John 4, 5-42

Exodus: After two weeks in the first book of the Bible, today we move to the second. The book basically tells the heroic struggle of Moses to get the Hebrew people out of Egypt, where they had gone because of the drought in their land some decades or centuries before.  Moses is considered the author.

Today’s reading makes an enormous jump from the story in Genesis about Abraham’s call to an episode after the exodus where the people are angry with Moses for taking them out of Egypt into the drought of the desert.  See how Yahweh saves the people and Moses.

Whatt??  You Want a Date??!!

Decades ago when my younger sister Kathey & I were little kids, we used to love Saturday nights.  On those nights we had fun harassing poor young baby sitters.  Or, later as we grew older, we had fun causing mischief by ourselves.  Because every Saturday night our parents went out to have fun.

This is one of my most favorite memories & stories that I have mentioned to people getting married for the past 30 plus years I’ve been doing weddings.  I remember a time when I must have been around second or third grade.  The second world war was over and my dad was probably going bankrupt.  He had worked before the war in paper products.  When the war broke out and paper was scarce he opened a coffee & donut shop on Ervay St. in down town Dallas.  The Mercantile Bank was being built and he was doing well.  When the bank finally opened his business went in the hole because all the workmen moved elsewhere. 

I had started school at University Park Elementary, then moved to Christ the King when they built a school.  I remember being anxious that I was going to have to return to University Park, because we could not afford the Catholic school.  I actually never did return.

All during this time I can remember my folks going out on Saturday nights.  They had a lot of friends, of all sorts of religions, something odd for those days, thinking back on it.  Occasionally the group would come to our house those Saturdays and I enjoyed that just as much.  The people were accepting and fun to hang around. 

I think this was part of what kept my parents going.  They had fun and they had fun at least once a week.  I often tell married couple, "You have fun once a week, and you won’t have to end up in Stack’s therapy office." 

One of the fun things my parent’s loved, I heard mentioned yesterday morning on The People’s Pharmacy, 6:00 A.M., Saturday (note credit).  A doctor describing how to live a long & healthy life suggested dancing as an excellent form of exercise.  My mom & dad, especially my dad, loved to dance.  I wish I could see how they did swing dancing, which was popular during their time.

I often ask couples who come to my office when was the last time they had fun.  They look at me like I am loco.  This is Dallas.  People work and work.  There is no time for fun.  Fun will come when we retire.  In Dallas people lose their health to make money, then lose their money to restore their health.

Consequently, the fourth suggestion for having a great marriage is to have a weekly date.  Get some friends together, go out, go dancing.  Date!  Once a week!  Good times, bad times.

When was your last date, the next?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-24.mp3

Readings: Genesis 12, 1-4; Psalm 33; 2 Timothy 1, 8-10; Matthew 17, 1-9.

Genesis: Like last week we have a selection from Genesis.  I mentioned that 5 main characters make up the book, Adam & Eve (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob.  Last week we looked at Adam & Eve & how the author thought bad might have entered the world.

Today we look at how the Jewish people thought their nation came into existence.  Abraham is like George Washington.  He is seen as divinely appointed, just as the people thought they were divinely appointed.  Remember, these events took place ca. 1500 B.C.

Unpack Your Backpack

The last two weeks we talked about two secrets to making a marriage relationship successful.  The first secret was Never Divorce, Murder Often, meaning divorce is a non-negociable, while playful murder is healthy.  Divorce is considered only when the three "A’s" enter: abuse, addiction, adultery.

Last week we said that there are No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments."  Had any perfect moments this week?  The transfiguration talked about in today’s gospel was a perfect moment.  I would consider the two as synonymous.  Perfect moments are transfigurations.

Today’s secret: Unpack Your Backpack.

What does this mean? 

First, put all your junk out on the ground.  No hidden deals, nothing kept hidden in the backpack.  This junk includes embarrassments, longings, and fears.  Those fears of being rejected, of being stupid and ugly, of heights, of lightning, anything. 

One thing I don’t encourage people to talk about: previous relatiionships.  My idea is that these relationships are no longer lying around in the backpack.  They were dumped out months or years earlier and only create tension if they are brought out and shared with the person I love now. Nothing is accomplished by talking about previous relationships.  In fact, a certain amount of uncertainty can creep in, especially if the person listening is even slightly insecure.

Secondly, the hidden package in the backpack.  What is it?  My defenses.  What does it mean. Disarm.  Lay down thy defenses.  Frustrations and annoyances creep into a relationship.  Not dealt with they become sore spots.  I get hurt, get offensive, get hurt again, then get more defensive.  I become crabby & irritable or passive aggressive.  Passive aggressive means I am really mad, aggressively riled up, but show it by not talking.  This can go on for hours, sometimes days.  I can get into this & Rosemary calls me on it.  Which is a gift.

Occasionally when talking with a couple I find that each one is blaming the other.  Then one will say, "on that occasion, yes, I was passive aggressive."  Or, "Yes, I wanted to hurt you."  When I hear this, I cheer.  The person has just laid down arms. The person has admitted, confessed, let it out of the backpack.  Then a new relationship can begin.

Thirdly, what about frustrations and irritations that creep into the backpack, like I just talked about and that lead to defensive positions?  Don’t bury them in the backpack.  How do I get a place where I can disarm?  Three steps.

• Talk about what is frustrating me or irritating me.  A Behavior?  Driving, eating, neatness, responsibility for house chores, and so on.  Use "I" statements as much as possible instead of "You, you, you" statements that blame.  "I’m uncomfortable when…"  This has to be done not in the heat of the irritation, but later when I am peaceful and the setting is peaceful.
• Then I can make a request for a change.  "Could we talk about driving?"  "I feel scared when…"
• Next, acceptance. Some things may not get changed.  Then what?  Dump the relationship or be defensive all my life or accept?  I cannot expect all the behavior changes to be changed.  Thus, I got to change, if I want to have a relationship.  Acceptance of the other has to be part of a relationship, whether between spouses or friends.

As I mentioned last week this is pertinent to friendships, just as much as marriages.

With whom do I have this kind of relationship and how am I keeping my backback clean?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-17.mp3