Readings: Genesis 12, 1-4; Psalm 33; 2 Timothy 1, 8-10; Matthew 17, 1-9.

Genesis: Like last week we have a selection from Genesis.  I mentioned that 5 main characters make up the book, Adam & Eve (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob.  Last week we looked at Adam & Eve & how the author thought bad might have entered the world.

Today we look at how the Jewish people thought their nation came into existence.  Abraham is like George Washington.  He is seen as divinely appointed, just as the people thought they were divinely appointed.  Remember, these events took place ca. 1500 B.C.

Unpack Your Backpack

The last two weeks we talked about two secrets to making a marriage relationship successful.  The first secret was Never Divorce, Murder Often, meaning divorce is a non-negociable, while playful murder is healthy.  Divorce is considered only when the three "A’s" enter: abuse, addiction, adultery.

Last week we said that there are No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments."  Had any perfect moments this week?  The transfiguration talked about in today’s gospel was a perfect moment.  I would consider the two as synonymous.  Perfect moments are transfigurations.

Today’s secret: Unpack Your Backpack.

What does this mean? 

First, put all your junk out on the ground.  No hidden deals, nothing kept hidden in the backpack.  This junk includes embarrassments, longings, and fears.  Those fears of being rejected, of being stupid and ugly, of heights, of lightning, anything. 

One thing I don’t encourage people to talk about: previous relatiionships.  My idea is that these relationships are no longer lying around in the backpack.  They were dumped out months or years earlier and only create tension if they are brought out and shared with the person I love now. Nothing is accomplished by talking about previous relationships.  In fact, a certain amount of uncertainty can creep in, especially if the person listening is even slightly insecure.

Secondly, the hidden package in the backpack.  What is it?  My defenses.  What does it mean. Disarm.  Lay down thy defenses.  Frustrations and annoyances creep into a relationship.  Not dealt with they become sore spots.  I get hurt, get offensive, get hurt again, then get more defensive.  I become crabby & irritable or passive aggressive.  Passive aggressive means I am really mad, aggressively riled up, but show it by not talking.  This can go on for hours, sometimes days.  I can get into this & Rosemary calls me on it.  Which is a gift.

Occasionally when talking with a couple I find that each one is blaming the other.  Then one will say, "on that occasion, yes, I was passive aggressive."  Or, "Yes, I wanted to hurt you."  When I hear this, I cheer.  The person has just laid down arms. The person has admitted, confessed, let it out of the backpack.  Then a new relationship can begin.

Thirdly, what about frustrations and irritations that creep into the backpack, like I just talked about and that lead to defensive positions?  Don’t bury them in the backpack.  How do I get a place where I can disarm?  Three steps.

• Talk about what is frustrating me or irritating me.  A Behavior?  Driving, eating, neatness, responsibility for house chores, and so on.  Use "I" statements as much as possible instead of "You, you, you" statements that blame.  "I’m uncomfortable when…"  This has to be done not in the heat of the irritation, but later when I am peaceful and the setting is peaceful.
• Then I can make a request for a change.  "Could we talk about driving?"  "I feel scared when…"
• Next, acceptance. Some things may not get changed.  Then what?  Dump the relationship or be defensive all my life or accept?  I cannot expect all the behavior changes to be changed.  Thus, I got to change, if I want to have a relationship.  Acceptance of the other has to be part of a relationship, whether between spouses or friends.

As I mentioned last week this is pertinent to friendships, just as much as marriages.

With whom do I have this kind of relationship and how am I keeping my backback clean?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-17.mp3

Readings: Genesis 2, 7-9, 3, 1-7; Psalm 51; Romans 5, 12-19; Matthew 4, 1-11.

Genesis: The great book: supposedly put together by Moses some 1500 years B.C.  The title means "origin." It is the first book of the bible, the first of the five first books that make up the Pentateuch, a Greek word, or Torah, for the Jews.  It covers ca. 2000 years of history and has 5 main characters: Adam (& family), Noah, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob.

Today’s delightful little story tries to explain in simple terms how bad came into our world.  Guess how: it is the woman’s fault.  Could a man have put this little myth-story together?  A woman?  I invite you to read the book of Genesis.  It is fascinating.  Remember that it is myth, not literal.  Like, notice how many creation stories are presented.

No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments

Last week we talked about the first of the Seven Secrets of Marriage, namely Divorce, Never, Murder, Always.  Meaning you can threaten your spouse with murder, which is play, but divorce is a non-negotiable with the exception of the three "A’s."  Remember the "A’s?"  Abuse, addiction, & adultery. 

This morning I would like to talk about this: No Perfect Marriages, only Perfect Moments.  Four observations. 

First, from childhood I think we all come to understand that there are no perfect marriages, while at the same time romantic movies, TV, and novels snooker us into false expectation.  Like,"When I find the perfect person, I will live happily ever after…"  False.  There can be, however, healthy marriages.  To have a healthy marriage, perfect moments are needed. 

Secondly, what are perfect moments?  Being a novice, I don’t always know, but I would suggest that when I have a perfect moment I have two feelings: peace in my spirit and affection for my spouse.

Some years ago a woman who was dear to me and who has passed away very unexpectedly described to me a set of her perfect moments.  Every night she & her husband would go to bed 15 minutes early and wake up 15 minutes early in the morning.  During the 15 minutes they would cuddle.  They would talk. They would ask each other about the day they just finished or the day ahead.  Any fears, any blessings, anything touch you, how are we doing, what next, and so forth.   It was her morning & evening perfect moment.

I wanted to do the same thing when Rosemary & I got married.  But, seeing as I started a little late and my shoulders and hips don’t have the flexibility to cuddle like I wished, Rosemary & I have a stand up hug every night before climbing into bed together, which is also one of my daily perfect moments.  We hold onto each other standing there in the dark and count our blessings of the day.

We had a number of perfect moments this past Christmas in Mexico, like taking out to lunch Maria Luisa & her daughter Karina, probably the first time they have eaten in a restaurant in maybe years. 

Another: our anniversary party every Cinco de Mayo, May 3 this year.  And dancing.  When we are on, it is perfect.

A third observation: perfect moments can happen.  They can also be set up to happen.  Some need to be set up.  Like Cinco de Mayo, like dancing, like cuddling in bed or hugging.  In other words, they take planning and discussion.  They are worth it.

A final observation: you can substitute the word "friendships" for "marriages."  Perfect moments can take place with friendships just as much as with marriages.  Like marriages, they also involve planning and effort.  There are no perfect marriages and no perfect friendships.  Only perfect moments.

What & when was you last Perfect Moment?  Your next?

AUDIO: http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-10.mp3

Readings: Zephaniah 2, 3; 3, 12-13; Psalm 146; 1 Corinthians 1, 26-31; Matthew 5, 1-12.

Zephaniah: The three chapters of the little book of Zephaniah were composed some 6 centuries B.C.  The theme is a common prophetic line: doom is the lot of the people because of their evil ways and eventually Yahweh will restore his people to his favor.  Note that the Babylonian defeat & captivity will come in another half century or so.

Preparation for a Great Lent: 7 Secrets of Marriage

I do not know how many times I have mentioned in here that because of being married I know I am a better, more integrated, and more peaceful person, priest, and psychotherapist.  As a way of making Lent different and more positive this year, I was thinking I would like to run a series of homilies on marriage.  I feel like a novice in this enterprise and like to tap the wisdom of some of you couples who have 30, 40, 50, and 60 years of marriage, like we witnessed last cinco de mayo when we had our annual anniversary party at Fairview Farm. 

However, in doing some reading on this subject, as well as considering my own experience married and likewise as a marriage counselor, I have put together Seven Secrets of Marriage.  We may run past Lent, but it really does not matter. 

Today’s Secret is: Divorce?  Never!  Murder?  Lots!

The first part of this is serious.  The second, play.  Marriage is entered into with the determination that it is forever.  I know lots of couple who started out with this determination, but did not carry through because the commitment wavered.   Commitment to make it work, which involves communication and murder, lots of it.

Murder is what I want to do when I don’t get my way or get hurt.  The temptation is to go passive aggressive or just plain aggressive.  What about to say instead, "I want to murder you."  I say this before I get too angry & too hurt.  It is a joke & used as a signal to let the other person know I have a problem.  It builds and is built on an atmosphere of play. 

Any reason for divorce?  Yes.  The three A’s: abuse, addiction, adultery.  A comment about each one because they are seldom black-white.

There are different shades of abuse, for example, verbal and physical.  Physical abuse is a blow or slap & is never tolerated.  One blow, out of there.  One blow always leads to others.  Once started and the poison is planted.  The temptation: this was a one time event because of stress.  The rule is clear: one blow is one too many.  Get out, get help.  Verbal abuse is tougher to deal with because it can range from cynical put down jokes to screams and temper tantrums.  It kills relationship & friendship.  When the yelling is accompanied by breaking things.  Watch out.  Dangerous.

Addictions, too, are hard to determine.  First of all, almost all addicts deny they are addicts. Secondly, what are the deadly addictions?  Alcohol and drug addiction are considered deadly.  However, what if my spouse only gets drunk or high on week ends?  Is one or two bottles of wine, or a six pack alcoholism?  What about addictions like work, or smoking, or TV, or exercise?  One thing for sure: treated & dealt with early reduces later family dysfunction. 

Adultery is often considered a black-white issue.  It happens, I’m gone.  Healthy.  What happens when the person gets into recovery, regrets and reforms?  And wants the marriage to be reestablished?  How does forgiveness and acceptance figure in here?

Of the three A’s, physical abuse is the most toxic and the easiest to respond to.  Out.  I have worked with couples who have dealt with the other forms of the A’s and because of their determination to avoid divorce, they have gotten into recovery and lived healthy lives. They might even have gotten to a point where they could play at murdering each other. 

How is you marriage going?

AUDIO:  http://mysite.verizon.net/reso7rjy/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/2008-02-03.mp3